I was wandering the wastelands of what was Bulgaria. For some reason Bulgaria was literally wiped out. It seems that it started on fire after the Zombie Virus attack and never stopped burning. I really think that the people of Bulgaria saw no way to win the Zombie war against the Virus and they kept the fire burning and just incinerated everything across the country. The ones who were left simply built a huge wall around the country and as of right now, Bulgaria is almost Zombie free…

So I took a walk around the almost Zombie and almost human free zone called Bulgaria. I met Miss Zelma. Miss Zelma carried a mean vacuum cleaner tube and she could crack a Zombie skull in a heart beat. Here is her story…

Hi,

My name is Zelma, Miss Zelma for those of you who do not know me…

I guess I will tell you a story of what happened to me on that dreadful day that the Zombie Virus was let loose on the earth. I guess it would be wise of me since I bopped Stryker on the head with my vacuum cleaner pipe. I said I was sorry and I guess that I was just a little jumpy, for I had just found a concrete building with two Zombies that had survived the fires. Stryker needs to be more careful and not sneak up on a lady the way he did…

Well it all started years ago and I was sweeping my house with one of the vacuums that I tried to sell. I was a vacuum salesperson in the old days and made a living selling this Chinese brand of vacuum. It was tough and really a good vacuum. It had real steel pipes that held a heavy carpet beater brush. It was indestructible and that is what saved me…

I was vacuuming my house and as I always did, I opened the doors and windows and aired the house out while I vacuumed. I did not care what the weather was, I opened the house up and let the air in and the dirt out. It kept me healthy for all these years, but it almost killed me on this particular day…

I was minding my own business and concentrating on sweeping the dirt from my carpets, when a shadow fell over me. I moved to the right of me and a Zombie stumbled by. Yes it was obviously a Zombie and I had a hundred Zombie movies that I regularly watched and I can tell you that a Zombie stumbled by me as it tried to grab me to eat my brains. I just knew that Zombies would take over the earth one day. How did I figure that?  Because we humans are just plain stupid and do not know a good thing when we got it. It was inevitable with all the experiments on genetics that we would, “Dance With The Devil In The Pale Moon Light” one day soon…

Well back to my story: It turned and fastened it one good eye on me and I was standing there with that vacuum hose attached to the “Chinese Super Sucker 10,002” as I called it. They (The Chinese!) promised that it could suck the varnish off a piece of wood if you wanted it to. So I stuck that nozzle in his last good eye and pop, I sucked that eye right out of his head. He stopped as if he was confused and then I pushed with all my strength and the next thing I know. I was sucking his brains out of his head and as the vacuum died a horrible death, he died with it…

I said too my self, “That is one strong vacuum! It really is…” Then I realized that there was another Zombie in the house with me. I guess that I just opened the door as I always did and just allowed these damn Zombies to walk right in, to look for a good meal. Well I am hear to tell you…

I detached that steel tube from the vacuum and pulled it out of the dead Zombie’s eye socket and spun to defend my home from this Zombie invasion. As I swung the tube and hit the new Zombie, blood and brains flew out of the tube as I swung it and they splattered all over the ceiling and walls. Damn I thought, “I have a mess to clean up now!” Little did I know that the whole world had gone Zombie crazy…

Well I smashed the new Zombie with the pipe and crushed his head. I ran to the door and slammed it shut as another Zombie tried to get up my front porch stairs. I turned and found the Zombie I just hit, crawling toward me and I smacked him again. I told myself the rules and I said them out loud right then and there…

I said, ” Zelma – Hit them hard, hit their head and hit them often!” I then said, “Zelma – It is a war and the Zombies have come. So the strong will live!” Then I shut up and gathered my things together and went out into the world to rid the earth of Zombies…

I have carried this steel tube all this time and it is so strong that nothing has bent it yet. I have not found a Zombie head that was strong enough to bend it and all heads so far have cracked right nicely…

Well that is until I smacked Stryker with it and he bent my steel tube. I have to say that he has a really hard head, but he found me a new supply of vacuum tubes made in China and I am back in business… 🙂

Remember Miss Zelma to you! That is…